


Dear Life, I'm holding on

by HyphenAlien



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awesome Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Psychological Trauma, SO MUCH FLUFF, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:54:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyphenAlien/pseuds/HyphenAlien
Summary: The god smiled softly. Bucky felt his insides make a strange kind of twirl. Then it hit him that the god was still looking at him.« Bucky ? » Sam said soothingly. « You don’t feel like starting, do you ? »Bucky tore his eyes away and glued them onto his hand.« Nah, » he breathed out.It was weak, it was small, but no one questioned it. He was infinitely thankful to hear Sam move on.« Steve ? »Bucky’s breath caught again when the god blinked, and nodded.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky gulped audibly. He frenetically rubbed at his tired eyelids, willing the dark circles away, wishing his guts didn’t feel like they were about to climb up his throat and spill over the pavement right outside the building, in a spot where the people he wasn’t sure he wanted to meet would be walking soon. He tried to ignore the thought of them trudging over his pitiful remains. Little good did it do… He breathed in deeply, and hoped the red in his eyes wouldn’t be mistaken for remnants of tears. He was tired. He was only tired. He was okay. He was fine. And if the exhaustion had anything to do with – anything –

Well then. He _was_ here for a reason.

.

He was not staying. He couldn’t stay. No. No no no.

Bucky hovered a few feet away from the door to the room. That’s what he’d been doing for a while. A long while, actually – minutes went by quickly. He’d been early. He could almost hear Becca’s voice ringing through his ears, over the soft echo of footsteps – _well, that would be a first. Who the fuck are you and what the fuck have you done with my fucking brother ?_

Good question, Becca. What the fuck was he doing here ?

The lady behind the front desk glanced up at him again. He’d felt her worried gaze a few times already. An uncomfortable shiver ran through him, each and every time he found himself subject to any kind of attention. He used to love it, hell, to seek it out – and he hadn’t been bashful about it, either. _What the fuck have you done with my fucking brother ?_ Good question, Becca, why don’t you ask that to the fucking bomb that tore my fucking arm off ?

He was fine. Except he wasn’t, of course, otherwise he wouldn’t have walked out on two different shrinks. He’d be able to sleep and eat properly, to walk down the street without clenching his fist, to interract with new people like a proper human being, to –

A steady flow of people poured into the room. With each new passing face, Bucky’s throat tightened a little more. One more person in front of which he’d need to speak. As in, to open his mouth, and form actual words, and words that would mean something, more than the bare social minimum that he uttered on a regular basis. He hadn’t done that in front of a single soul apart from Nat, since he got back. And that was because he didn’t actually need to tell her much – she just knew. She was that kind of person.

« You should come down to the VA, » Sam had said. Why she’d felt compelled to introduce them was a mystery to Bucky. She’d been smooth about it, too. She always was, wasn’t she ? She’d had this in mind, most likely. Being aware that he wasn’t _that_ stupid. He knew he needed some kind of therapy.

The flow thinned and ran out, after a while. Nervously, Bucky glanced at his watch. One minute to the beginning of the session. He’d avoided looking at the faces, as much as possible. That would’ve made them too real. Reality didn’t agree with him so much, these days. He shifted awkwardly, felt the front desk lady’s concerned stare once more. He quelled an impulse to snap at her, _you really aren’t helping_.

Shifting chairs. Soft chatter. Polite exchanges, a few laughs. Bucky’s insides constricted once more. They knew eachother, of course. That would be just that much more attention on him.

No no no. He couldn’t stay.

He cleared his throat, and finally moved – away from the door, away, away. He could still just walk out. Sam hadn’t spotted him yet. The front desk lady would be the only one to judge him – and everyone stared at him now, anyways – and not because of his good looks. He could deal with one more.

He’d barely made it halfway down the corridor, though, when a warm voice called out to him.

« Bucky, buddy ! You good ? »

He sighed softly, and slowly turned to face Sam Wilson. The man had stuck his head out of the door. He was wearing _the look_ , the one that had talked Bucky into coming. The look that was deadly serious under its cheekiness. The look that let a strange, deep, very real kind of wisdom filter through. The look of both a friend and a professor – the look that said, _you don’t fool me_. That said, _you owe it to yourself to try to get better_. The calm, unwavering kind of look that reflected everything you knew but didn’t want to face.

« Erm, » Bucky choked out. « Yeah, er. I’m good. »

« Great ! » Sam beamed back at him. « You coming ? We can start, now. »

Bucky opened and closed his mouth. He knew he still had a choice. But he couldn’t walk away while the other vet waited. The shreds of his pride couldn’t take it. And his conscience couldn’t, either. He wasn’t the only one dealing with his issues. He couldn’t face Becca after bolting – again.

He shrugged vaguely, and followed Sam’s welcoming gesture, into the large, simply decorated space. Gaze focused on his feet, he wiped his palm on his jeans.

« You can sit over there. »

His friend gently directed him to a free seat in the circle, before moving away. Stares on him, more than one, Bucky punched back his terror. Not now. Not now. He had to try.

« Hello everyone, » Sam started. His voice was even as always, natural, soothing, friendly, only jokingly formal, as if they were only a bunch of people. Normal people, just hanging out. « Before we start. We’ve got a new face today – everyone, this is Bucky. »

A chorus of hellos greeted him. They seemed honest enough. He’d still rather melt through the ground, and stay there, where he should’ve been by now anyways. But he did something else.

Bucky took a dive – _your brother is right fucking here, that’s where he is_ – and looked up.

That was a mistake. He’d barely had time to glaze over a few faces, before landing on a sight that sent his guts into a new type of frenzy. A man sat right across from him – man ? he didn’t look quite human. There was something definitely godly about his body, and the lines of his face, and his eyes – eyes – that met Bucky’s… he felt himself get lost in a sea of blue. The god returned his stare without flinching – he hadn’t noticed the arm yet…

« Hi, » he croaked out, in a late answer to the others.

The god smiled softly. Bucky felt his insides make a strange kind of twirl. Then it hit him that the god was still looking at him. But that smile couldn’t be for _him_.

« Bucky ? » Sam said soothingly. « You don’t feel like starting, do you ? »

Bucky tore his eyes away and glued them onto his hand.

« Nah, » he breathed out.

It was weak, it was small, but no one questioned it. He was infinitely thankful to hear Sam move on.

« Steve ? »

Bucky’s breath caught again when the god blinked, and nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

The god – _Steve_ – looked around with a hint of nervousness ; faint, barely perceivable. He hid it by flashing an easy smile, and leaning back into a casual posture.

« I’m good, actually, » he started. « The job’s going great. Real good people. »

A few nods ; Sam smiled, a sense of true kindliness filtering through the simple gesture, and Bucky found it hard not to imitate it.

« What about classes ? Not too hard to balance it all ? »

Steve shook his head softly. « No, it’s okay, » he said. « I mean, it’s a lot, but I think it helps, actually. »

« Being active ? »

« Yeah… not having too much time to think, you know ? » He let out a self-deprecating chuckle. « I work nights, so I figured out a schedule to sleep around classes. I know – » He cleared his throat. « I know it seems like I’m running. I guess I am, kind of – but I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere, so… I figure I can indulge in running a bit longer. »

If possible, Sam’s smile grew even softer. Bucky, transfixed, noticed a faint blush running through Steve’s cheeks. The man was beautiful. He desperately tried to recall having ever met such a physically perfect creature, and he couldn’t. There’d been good-looking guys in the army. He’d had a hard time not staring at a few of them, sure. He’d been afraid of anyone noticing his discomfort, sometimes, during showers. He knew many people who were nice to look at. But Steve was _beautiful_. Rays of blonde sunshine framed a sculpted work of art of a face, and indescribable eyes, whose blue could probably be spotted from miles away. Eyes that ducked, at the moment, unseeingly drifting across hands that just shouldn’t seem that graceful, when the man’s bulk hinted that they held the strength to squeeze the life out of a human neck.

It was hard to concentrate on anything but the sight. But it was impossible not to listen to Steve. His voice sent shivers through Bucky’s spine.

 _Shit_ , he thought. It had barely been a minute, and he was crushing harder than a twelve-year-old girl, on the very picture of perfect, all-american heterosexuality. Now, _that_ was just what he’d needed.

What he needed was for Steve to be an asshole.

« You’re the only one who knows what you can handle, » Sam was saying. « You’re a rational guy, you know your limits. »

« You’re forgetting the hero complex, » a slender, handsome blonde woman piped up playfully.

« That’s right, » Sam chuckled.

« Thanks, Carol, » Steve hissed out with feigned annoyance.

She winked at him. Bucky followed the exchange with the timidity of a newcomer. The god hadn’t glanced his way again – actually, it almost seemed he actively avoided to look at him.

« No one new to save, Steve ? »

He ducked his head with a small laugh. « Nah, not right now. »

« Good. So, all good ? Nothing new troubling you ? »

Steve vaguely shook his head in silence. No one spoke up but, after a few moments, Sam.

« You sure ? »

The man opened and closed his mouth, cleared his throat, shifted awkwardly – except it wasn’t really awkward, because it was him, Bucky thought, and hid a scowl. The blue eyes remained downcast, as Steve finally spoke again.

« Well… there’s something, it’s just… I’m not sure it’s something. »

He went silent once more, biting his bottom lip.

« I think, » Sam delicately nudged him, « you’re not one to make somethings out of nothings. »

Steve glanced up. « Yeah, » he scoffed. « Okay, well… » He rolled his eyes, embarrassed, before his next words. « I thought I saw Brock, the other day. »

Bucky blinked, confused, as instant reactions ran through the circle. His eyes were drawn to Carol, who leaned forwards, a deep frown furrowing her brow. Sam kept his expression carefully schooled.

« And you’re not sure it was him ? »

« Nah, » Steve chuckled nervously. « It probably wasn’t, I mean, I do have a history of paranoia. »

« It’s not paranoia if he’s violating the restraining order, » Sam noted. « Do you think he could ? »

A sudden protective instinct surged in Bucky as he saw the blonde shifting again, his neutral features utterly failing in concealing the true anxiousness brewing beneath them.

« He could, » he all but whispered, before looking up with renewed composure. « But he didn’t. I imagined it, because I’m afraid of it happening. » His gaze slid towards Bucky, then quickly focused away from him. The delicate pink shade creeped up his cheeks, once more.

Bucky couldn’t help following it, and swallowed past the sinking feeling in his stomach – _he just noticed the arm_ , he thought. And then, he knew he really was in trouble. Because the guy was decent enough to look away, rather than let him see his pity.

« Alright then, » Sam said. « You’re probably right. »

« But be careful, Steve, » Carol intervened again, her voice concerned but firm like that of one used to giving orders.

He smiled and winked at her. « I will. »

Bucky flinched again, his eyes jumping from one to the other – two beautiful people. He was too busy speculating about their relationship to hear Sam, when he first said his name.

He was almost physically startled when blue eyes suddenly plunged into his, once more ; the shock brought him back to the reality of his friend repeating, « Bucky. »

« Er – yeah ? » he croaked, incapable of shifting his gaze. This time, neither did Steve. He felt it, though, when stares fell on his figure from around the circle. And his lungs started lacking air, as they inevitably all saw what he was missing.

« Wanna try to say a few words ? »

« Er, » he muttered uneloquently.

Steve smiled warmly. Maybe others did, too. He didn’t see them. He had no words, his throat was dry, he didn’t want to speak.

« Maybe you can start by introducing yourself ? » Sam kindly suggested.

For a few seconds, he only breathed. He could barely do that, let alone anything more. Strangely, though, the blue sea served as an anchor, soothed him just enough for a few articulate sounds to slip out. Still, it was too much to ask for him to think them over beforehand.

« My name is Bucky Barnes, » he said. « Got an honourable discharge about four months ago. And I’m fucked up. »


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as the words got out, Bucky regretted them. He ducked and briefly let his eyes slide shut.

« Obviously, » he added with a bitter chuckle, feeling the image of his empty left sleeve permanently burned into his retina – the sleeve he’d pinned shut this morning, as he did when there was no choice but to leave his apartment.

He cleared his throat, not quite sure if it was to buy himself a few seconds, or to disloge the weight he expected to find obstructing it.

Except, he didn’t sense its presence, not quite as much as he’d grown used to. And maybe that was what most increased his urge to bolt : the fact that the urge wasn’t as violent as it should have been, as it always was. If it didn’t choke him, things could slip past it – maybe more things than he was comfortable saying, more things than any sane person would want to hear. He blinked furiously, and laid his hand upon the leg who’d been frenetically jumping up and down, in an attempt to still it.

« I, uh… »

He looked up, purposefully avoiding every living eye – especially blue ones – and their pity, to fixate on a well-lit spot towards the back of the room, where electric light reflected off of polished wooden panels.

Moments kept flying past. There wasn’t a noise above that of traffic from an agitated street, somewhere in the real world, whatever that was.

They were waiting. Not a word, not even from Sam. _Douchebag_ , Bucky thought, without any real animosity. The bastard had already spent enough time with him to know that silence sometimes did the trick—

« I, er, » he repeated awkwardly. « I didn’t come back. » His mouth remained open for an instant, in genuine surprise. He wasn’t quite certain why he’d said that. He’d never said it before. He’d never quite thought it, either. He’d just known. « I – don’t know what to say, » he forced out with complete honesty – more honesty than he’d given Becca, so far. « I don’t know what to do, either. »

He blinked again, fighting back whatever was trying to get out. Was it tears ? _That_ couldn’t be. Because James Buchanan Barnes did not cry. He’d tried. More than once. Dozens of times, actually. He’d tried in the hospital, he’d tried afterwards. He’d tried before. He’d tried when he left. He’d tried when his father died. He’d tried when some asshole stole his toy at recess in seventh grade. He’d tried a thousand times. But James Buchanan Barnes did not cry, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to bust out the waterworks for the first time in front of a bunch of complete strangers.

The words were still coming.

« I don’t really know who I was before, anymore… I sure as hell don’t know who I’ve become, or what I’m gonna do now. What I know… » He shifted, stared at the shiny wood so hard it almost hurt. « What I do know is that I didn’t just lose an arm. »

He stopped talking. The words weren’t coming anymore. He didn’t want them to, either. He felt lost – somehow, more lost than he’d been since the bomb. Because speaking for the first time had both been the hardest, and the most natural thing he’d ever had to do. And he had no clue what to make of it. One more thing he didn’t know. He was sick and tired of them.

« Thank you, Bucky, » Sam all but whispered after what felt like a very, very long minute.

The sudden, albeit soft, sound, startled Bucky enough to draw his eyes back to his friend. He automatically regretted it, but didn’t find… whatever it was that he’d been afraid to find. Sam nodded at him, a respectful smile stretching his lips.

« You just took a big leap, pal, » he said, raising his voice back up to a normal level. « We all know it. And that was very brave. »

Bucky couldn’t help but catch a few approving nods. He swallowed back the new lump in his throat, and felt his ears burn in embarassment. It didn’t feel so bad, though. Not as bad as it could have, or as he’d thought it would. It felt… almost fine.

Slightly emboldened, and as Sam deftly shifted the burden of speech onto someone else, he cautiously looked over the whole circle again. Some faces stood out to him with increasing clarity, some noticed him staring and smiled – but, if Bucky had, indeed, expected Steve to catch his attention more than anyone else, he hadn’t fathomed how much.

His breath caught somewhere in his knotted guts.

Steve’s eyes were slightly reddened, like those of someone who’d scrubbed a few tears away, but remained tactful enough to keep it subtle.

Vibrant blue met icy grey once more, and the corners of Steve’s (incredibly soft-looking) lips twitched into something that wasn’t quite a smiled, but seemed, somehow, to convey much more meaning.

One. It was just one. But it felt like it tipped his world over.

One tear slid out of Bucky’s right eye, and rolled down his cheek before he had time to react.


	4. Chapter 4

People kept on talking. Bucky was aware of their existence. He vaguely heard a bell, chiming in the back of his head, reminding him that he really should listen. But he didn’t. Because, even after he wiped away the _one_ tear, and bit back the others, the eye contact didn’t break. And Bucky knew that its length should make him uncomfortable – would have, most likely, in any other situation. But it didn’t. He found, for once, that he didn’t want to be the one to turn away. He didn’t want to understand what was happening, either ; his imagination couldn’t help running wild – as it (and, indeed, any) would, faced with such a physical specimen – but somehow, that couldn’t matter. Physically, there couldn’t be anything, the man was miles out of his league nowadays. But still, something was happening, and Bucky had a hunch, like none he’d felt in a long, long time, that the man in front of him would change his life.

Time passed, he didn’t feel it any more.

And neither did Steve, judging by his startled expression when chairs started creaking in a sudden chorus – people were getting up.

They blinked. The spell broke.

Awkwardness caught up. Bucky stood up hastily, almost stumbling in the process – his balance was still off. He hovered for a split second, uncertain about where to turn to. He wasn’t allowed time to hesitate, though.

« Thank you for coming. »

Sam was grinning. There were undeniable traces of sympathy, of understanding, of course – but something new dominated, something Bucky hadn’t yet seen directed at him since he’d gotten back.

Pure mischief.

Slightly confused, Bucky decided he did not like it. He opted to ignore it.

« No, thank you, » he said, with surprising honesty. « I… » He cleared his throat. No matter what, he deeply hated admitting he’d been wrong. « It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought. » Sam’s grin widened as he quite transparently bit back his _I told you so_. « I mean, » Bucky snapped, « _you_ were awful. »

« Obviously, » his friend smirked.

He stopped talking. But he didn’t go, and neither did the smirk. Bucky found the scrutinity highly irritating, but was at a loss as to its interpretation. Sam had obviously noticed the strange – _very_ strange – moment he’d shared with the god accross the circle. What was amusing about it, though, Bucky really wasn’t sure.

« What ? » he finally barked out.

An evil chuckle escaped the other man. « Oh, no-thing, » he said, accentuating the word in a way that meant very much the opposite.

Finally, he moved. Walking past, he leaned in, laid a hand on the other’s shoulder, and fake-whispered, « Go. Talk. To. Him. »

« What— »

But Sam had left before Bucky got any chance to finish his sentence. Maybe it was for the best, since didn’t have the slightest clue of what he’d intended it to be.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, still frozen into place, still oblivious to most of the movement around him. He’d been standing for a while already, probably. He’d (kind of) intended to go talk to Steve, after the session. Well, he’d thought of it, and known he would never dare for fear to turn into even more of a mess. Not that it mattered ; the man was most likely gone by now.

The idea of checking did come to him ; but what startled him out of his thoughts was another voice.

« Hey there. »

He blinked down at the intimidating woman – Carol, that was her name.

« Hey, » his mouth uttered.

He felt a hint of dislike towards her ; what was left of rationality in him knew that jealousy was responsible, from the vague idea that she and Steve –

But it washed away near-instantly. There was steel in her eyes, but warmth, too. He couldn’t help being reminded of Nat. And, well, he couldn’t be jealous of Nat.

As they went through unremarkable introductions, Carol’s lips curled up in a way not unlike Sam’s, although subtler by far.

« It’s very nice meeting you, » she said. She seemed sincere. He wasn’t given the time to open his mouth before she went on. « Now. Not to be weird – although you do need to realize I don’t care if I am – but there is something you need to do before you go. »

He blinked ; she moved out of his line of sight, and, finally surveying the room, Bucky found it now empty, except from them and – his heart stuttered against his will – Steve. The man was rifling through his bag, in the manner of someone searching for excuses not to leave.

Carol was already at the door.

« See you very soon, Barnes, » she called over her shoulder.

Then, they were alone. Bucky didn’t panic. He had no confidence, no… nothing, really. But it didn’t seem to matter so much ; for some reason, Steve was waiting for him. And Steve had trouble being the first one to speak, too.

So, for the first time since he’d been overseas, Bucky decided to do something brave. He opened his mouth – and met a surprised gaze, as the other man seemed to make the same decision, at the same moment. The tension lessened abruptly. Both faces broke into awkward smiles.

Well, Steve’s smile wasn’t awkward at all, really.

They crossed the distance between them.

The god held out his hand. Bucky shook it.

« Hi. » His voice was low, almost confidential. If James Buchanan Barnes shivered upon hearing it, no one needed to know it. Ever. « I’m Steve. »

« I know. » His ears burned hot again. The impulse to bury himself remained strong as ever.

Luckily, the only reaction his got was a good-natured chuckle.

« I’m Bucky. »

« Yeah, I know. »

The laugh they shared felt even more natural than the first one. Easy.

Steve’s face ducked down, to where they were still mechanically shaking hands. Bucky hadn’t really been aware of it.

Now, they certainly both were.

They didn’t let go yet, though.

« Would you like to grab a cup of coffee ? »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't hesitate to drop a review if you've got the time :)


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